I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
