Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
