I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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