"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
