Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
