Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
