look no pants
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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