I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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