if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize