I wanna bring you to show and tell
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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