So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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