babies were throwing up all over the place
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
