I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
