dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
