we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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