i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I will be naked everywhere
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
