The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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