Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
