Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
