It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize