That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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