I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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