I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
