How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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