Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
