i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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