I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
