She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize