How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
