Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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