looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Randomize
