We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
