In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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