Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
