I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
