The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
