ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
