I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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