im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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