dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
