i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
