I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
