I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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