they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
