I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
