Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
