make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Randomize
