Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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