I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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