you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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