OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
