I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
