she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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