If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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