im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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