Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
