You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
