They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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